Goodbye

This blog has been nothing
but a magical dream for me
these past six years.

It is now time to say goodbye.
I've found somewhere new
and special to write.

Noting contaminated with
was and has beens.

If anyone does ever read this,
and is interested in continued
writing
let me know.

Hopefully you know how to get
ahold of me.

Blessings and love to all
those who inspired me to write.
I hope I didn't write a hateful post about you
Thanks for the forgiveness

xoxo

Megan

Recent Events

Due to recent events
I plan to write on this blog
as LITTLE as POSSIBLE

For now at least

Enjoy the last 6 years of my life

The Longterm Thing

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to backpack Europe
Well, I spent 5.5 wonderful weeks abroad and couldn't
have had a more flawless trip.

Now it's back to the real world and I feel even more lost
then when I left.
I feel like I really know where I am when I'm discovering.
The rest is just motions on motions.

Now I'm thinking about how to go back to that place
of wanderlust and discovery

What really scares me though is that you don't
ever spend substantial time with anyone.
You play for a few days and leave.
Find a new fuck buddy,
find new drinking buddies,
and 9 new roommates.
How do you ever maintain a longterm relationship with that?

Good thing I'm scared as fuck of
all of that.
Sorry folks.

Lonely Sad You

Before there was ever a me
or an us,
there was a you.

A sweet sad you.
A lonely you.

And now I want to talk to you more then ever,
make sure you are okay,
rub your head and
just hug you with the purest of intentions.

But there is just a you,
and a me
separate from so many other things

I wanted to cry today for you
but I couldn't.

Remember that time we danced under the stars,
the wind swept my bangs across my
pale cold face and you kissed me
through my hair anyways?

We both had hair stuck to our lips and
we laughed.
We laughed so damn hard we cried.
Then our abs began to shriek and holler
because of overuse

and laughing was overwhelming
and breathing took concentration
to make sure we stayed stable
and didn't drink too much,
or kiss too much,
or just down right play to much.

We sure did love to play
like kids hearing reese's bells and
grasping those fifteen minutes of
immense freedom and joy

gaining calluses on our hands from monkey bars
and running to flip off of tree stumps
and kicking the soccer ball for the final goal before
the bell.

Remember those times
when it was us
and not lonely sad you
and lonely sad me?

Good times.
I think I'll pray for you tonight.

Confronted

I  have just finished a conversation
where I have purposefully left feeling
unworthy, not enough, and powerless
because my machinery is saying that is who I am

Yet, I know this to be anything but the truth.

But, I'm sitting in Starbucks (typical)
doing nothing about it but running
racket
after
racket
on everyone.

I'm not ready to own up and make it stop
My always listening is winning
and now i'm angry.
period.

Eraser Goodbye

I can't seem to write a paragraph about this

But it's been a year since Ollie and I
packed bags separately,
hugged awkwardly,
and said goodbye

He loaded up the moving truck
goodbye furniture
goodbye sam

I packed my car
hello brother
hello futon

So much has changed since then
and I can say this;
I have never been happier
and I hope the same for him too

I hope he finds the world in a girl
who loves every quirk and crevice of him

Just like I wish to find a man one day
who adores and cherishes me.

We both deserve that,
we just couldn't be it for each other

Good luck Ollie.
It's time to erase you.

On This Blog

Lately I have felt a little grown out of this blog. I mean blogs aren't really a thing anymore. When I log onto my Blogspot home page i'm following at least 50 blogs, and the only one that is actually updated on a regular basis is Hey Natalie Jean. Let's be honest though, no one actually really reads my posts anymore, and i'm no longer writing to inform all my Facebook friends about the fabulous life i'm living. I'll continue to write for at least a little while longer, but there will probably be some small changes put in place.  Have fun searching for them.

The Many Places I've Called Home

The following is a list of positive memories I have gathered from each place I have lived in the past eight years. Some very personal, some not so much. Enjoy some of my favorites 

Apartment 2B Home (Rexburg, ID)

- Writing everything we loved about each other on the milk gallon that was purchased weekly 

- Studying in the quite section of the library next to my boyfriend 

- Playing on a coed futsol league

- Nightly walks to the park so I could make out with my boyfriend even though we were surrounded by every other Mormon couple plastered to the grass for their individual make out sessions. 

The Basement Home (Rexburg, ID)

- Sharing one shower with five girls that was made for a midget. I almost had to kneel to have water pour over my head

- Planning my wedding to Pablo

- Having a landline that actually rang on occasion

- Sharing a room with two girls instead of one

$325 Rent Home (Rexburg, ID)

- Waking up each morning to make Pablo lunch for the day 

- Running from the frozen outside to my bed on chilly Sunday afternoons for naps after church 

- Spending Christmas with Pablo in an empty Rexburg and five feet of fresh white snow to play in

- Making the 30 minute drive to Idaho Falls just to go to Starbucks and sip a warm chai 

The Elk Grove Pool Party Home (Elk Grove, CA) 

- Having my nieces over weekly to swim at my complex with me

- Going to the temple with Cameron and Stephanie on an early Saturday morning

- Purchasing my long haired chihuahua Podi.

The Mountain Home (Provo, UT)

- Staring down at all of Utah County from a lush green field while Podi played

- Walking up steep snowy roads in the winter that my car couldn't climb so I could get home

The Branbury (Provo, UT)

- Sneaking in and out of Pablo's room using his patio so his roommates wouldn't catch me spending the night

- Catching my roommate Hillary borrowing my clothes daily 

- Long conversations with my very European roommate Jelka

- Longboarding down Provo Canyon at any hour of the day 

- Walking to Alex's apartment on Saturday mornings just to sit in bed and talk 

The Audrey Home (Logan, UT) 

- Placing every stupid thing we said on a postcard and taping it to our living room wall 

- Enjoying homemade dinner by Audrey every Wednesday while we watched Modern Family on the big screen on campus

- Walking the dreaded steps up Old Main hill to get to class while others turned it into their personal mountain 

- Taking that last minute trip to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving and walking the strip from start to finish

Tere's Home (Tehuacan, Mexico)  

- Taking Sunday walks around the city with Gina while we photographed the world around us 

- Playing soccer with the locals every Tuesday evening

- Walking to my favorite taco stand every night.

- Long talks around the long wooden table in Tere's kitchen

- Skype dates with Tennessee 

- Walking home in the flooded streets of Tehuacan 

The Boat House (Logan, UT)

- Moving a living room wall just to get to my hidden bedroom 

- Sneaking up the creaky staircase to Brandon's room just to snuggle at night

- Listening to the Sound Of Music coming from Cia's room at all hours of the day 

- Meeting Gibbs for burritos at Beto's on Sunday's at midnight

The Yellow Home (Piura, Peru) 

- Taking showers in the middle of the day for hope of a drop of warm water

- Doing laundry by hand with 311 blazing in my ears 

- Making the biweekly trip to downtown Piura to Skype with Oliver

- Befriending a stray dog and watching her raise her pups in a cardboard box 

- Riding in the back of a truck to the beach 

- Walking to Starbucks in the hot sun for free wifi 

- Manchu Picchu 

The Forget Me Not Home (Logan, UT)

- Coming home to find my roommate and her friends playing live folk music in the living room 

- Going through the endless boxes of stuff left from previous tenets 

Ollie and I's First Home (Logan, UT)

- Skateboarding to the grocery store just to buy candy bars

- Walking around the Mormon Tabernacle on warm summer nights 

- Constantly refilling our ridiculous water fan that never cooled anything or anyone 

The 2 Month Home (Orem, UT)

- Painting at Color Me Mine with Oliver and Mehul 

- Leaving suddenly and screwing our landlord over

The Final Home (Murray, UT) 

- Purchasing Sam from the Humane Society one Saturday morning 

- Spending Friday evenings after work at Gracie's 

Nate's Home (Salt Lake City, UT) 

- Waking up to fresh pancakes and Luke pounding on my bedroom door for breakfast every Sunday Morning

- Dinner at the Copper Onion with anyone 

- Watching Survivor with Nate 

- Weekend sibling dates with my brothers 

- My beautiful commute up to Park City 

- Sunday Brunch with Michael 

Current Home (Galt, CA)

- Evening chats over a glass of wine or bottle of cider

- Saturday morning coffee in the backyard oasis 

- Dinner on the patio with friends and family 

I still think the best is yet to come. 

Memories

I was looking through some old files and found a paper I wrote back in college consisting of a series of distinct memories in my life. I thought I would share one.

"Megan?" My fragile Grandma called. "Can you do me a favor? I need you to feed your mother this melon. Just give her one at a time," her wrinkled hands shaking, pointed towards the bowl of melon placed on the rust colored tile countertops. I quickly grabbed the stained plastic bowl, a fork and headed down the dark narrow alleyway leading to my parent's room. Mom lay there quietly and smiled when I walked in. I pranced around the foot of the bed and sternly sat down nudging my bum back and forth back and forth in order to be far enough along the bed that my simple feet could dangle in content. I stabbed my first piece of ripened cantaloupe and gracefully placed it into her mouth. While I waited for her to chew I joined in the festivities of deliciousness and speared myself a piece of melon. I bit down and the sweet juices emerged to every crack and fold of my mouth. I grabbed another piece and fed it to my Mom then quickly replenished my own mouth.

Pretty Okay

I told someone this week that I was pretty okay.
I was so pissed afterwards
I'm not pretty okay!
I'm fantastic!

Sorry for misleading you!
The world is my oyster
and my cute brain couldn't be happier about it.

What Would You Do?

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

Would you jump off the barn into that stack of hay,
or would you sneak out your bedroom window for a goodnight kiss?

And what would you do if you knew you would fail?

Would you still show up to the audition yelling
"I think I can!" in your head?
Or, would you still slide your phone number over on a napkin,
wink, and walk away?
Probably not.

Life is the biggest jokester sometimes.
You never truly know what you might get
Pass or fail

Do you remember that time when you told me
that I was the gosh darn prettiest thing you had ever seen?
You looked at me like I was a final three point shot in an
NBA final,
like I was a peach tree that just produced my first fruit,
and like I was the only face that existed in a sea of
green eyes and brown hair.

Boy do I miss that look. What would I have done
if I knew we could not fail?

Baby, I'm missing you, and I hope you're missing me.
I sit outside at night and just stare at my feet
thinking "I could walk to you." or 'You could walk to me."
Isn't that a thing?
But it's not because I live in a country town avoiding country things
and who the hells knows where you live. Maybe in a city,
or a town, the ghetto, or way out in the boondocks.
Probably not walking distance

But I will tell you this.
We can go on walks together
shoot, we could chase the moon together and I don't think I'll ever
get tired of the way you place your hand around my waist
or the way you push my hair behind my ear
just so you can stare.
Look into my eyes and watch
basketballs go flying through the midnight sky
like astroids trying to catch the blazing epic sun

Our steps would go one, two, one, two
and I would salsa, and sing
typical me
And you would shake your lack of hips
and bite your lips

Well at least that's how I imagine it will be
Here's to praying that life turns organic
that when the clock strikes midnight
and the planets align,
that I meet you, and we succeed.

In That Case...

I have had so much to say lately, that I can't even fathom about putting it on this blog. To much information. So, in that case, here are some recent thoughts.

-Northwest! Northwest! Northwest!!
-Sex
- Road trips
- Weather that requires a rain jacket
-Photographing the sunrise everyday
-Europe
-The idea of living off of a credit card
- Writing confidently
- Avoiding conversations
- My brothers
-Alcohol consumption
-Sex :0
-Obligation vs responsibility vs success
- Really living the life I want

I'm working on it all.

Brothers

I must say that I had a perfect night with my brothers. 

Good food and laughs, 

NBA finals

soccer in the basement, 

lots of shoving and pushing

The "You should have never left!" comments 

and long lasting hugs. 

Boy have I missed these men. 

and 

Boy have I missed Utah. 

Now I'm wondering why I left. 

Child Kisses

Yesterday I found out that my last living grandparent passed away. 

It was semi expected 

and for the most part painless 

It was weird

I said goodbye to her earthly body months ago 

and hope to one day get to know her outside of 

"Well, when you were a baby you never wanted to spend time with me. 

Your mom was sick and you only wanted her." story. 

The only thing I imagined yesterday was 

Mom hugging her mom,

then me gripping my mom.

in white. 

Like a celestial room,

with double mirrors, 

and fresh flowers,

and old ladies everywhere 

I don't know what happens after life,

but I do know that I believe in it

As a child when I would kneel 

by my bedside and roll back and forth 

from side to side so as not to push carpet lines 

into my tender knees

I would ask God to give 

Mom,

Grandpa,

Kelli, 

and

Luke 

kisses. 

I would blow them each out individually. 

One, two, three, and four. 

I think I'll add another two this evening 

for my two grandmas that I have lost 

in the past year. 

Let's see if I even pray. 

Until then. 

Language

Excuse my language.

Fuck Megan,
You are better then this!

Rock Me to Sleep Will You?

Well, I'm doing it again.

I just returned home from another
over the top weekend in the city of
Lost Angeles.

I regretfully packed my bags,
and jumped on my once again
delayed plane back to the
City Of Trees.
Painfully.

Not that I want to live in LA
I can hardly see myself there,
but I'm in my lonely phase.

I'm pushing everyone away that cares about me.
I'm telling myself that I am strong, that I
have always been alone,
that I don't need them.
I got this.

It's total bullshit, and I know it.

But here I am near tears
hoping that William Fitzsimmons
will rock me to sleep.

I'm thinking about running
and it sounds so sweet.

Billy the Musical

Music is one of the very few things 

in this world that remind me that i'm human. 

When I think about why I'm here my brain 

becomes cloudy. 

Religion? God? 

Well Yes, I've always known that 

But where does truth live, and who says 

what you say is truth and what I say is not? 

Who says that this is not real, not full expression, 

not authenticity? Who says? 

You see, music makes me human because it possesses 

me without ever talking to me. 

Music never yells, 

and it makes me cry. 

Boy does it make me cry

Usually on long car rides

alone

when i'm so insanely happy my cheeks hurt from

rambunctious smiles 

or so incredibly alone that five people don't answer their 

phones in a row

and my eyes droop to the back of my head with silence. 

Today I heard a song and imagined sweet sweaty hands holding 

my small round head singing it to my perfectly chapped perfection lips

Then I sat next to an artist and we harmonized over ukuleles 

and skittles 

Music has me so strung out that I could model my whole existence off of it

Become a musical and dedicate my life to it. 

Have a dream and say "I'm Fantine! Now let me sing!" 

Then Die. 

I hate that Fantine dies. She was such an important part to Jean 

and his future, their future. 

I'm sorry if you don't get my references by the way. 

Thanks Billy Pilgrim for being you. 

Reference again. 

Sorry 

But at the end of the day, I look at myself and am so god damn 

happy that i'm not strung out on perfection, 

that I don't fully know what I believe,

that life is not close to a curtain call 

and that pretty pictures and laughs, 

and especially music make me human. 

Thank goodness for that

and to the opportunity for moments to be stuck in time. 

Thanks Billy. 

The Floor

When I find myself most alone
and vulnerable,
I find myself on the floor

If i'm ever sitting on the floor with you
i'm uncomfortable about something
and it doesn't have to be a bad thing,
it can be a very good thing.
It's just a thing.

Ask me.
I probably won't tell you
but go ahead,
ask  me.
Now that you know my secret

Floors are my friend
Sometimes the comfort of a
hard chilling wood floor
is exactly what I need for the sweat
pouring off of my brow
streaming down my oily face
to that chilling wood floor

I'm so uncomfortable right now
so I'm sitting on the floor
criss cross
apple sauce
ankles bruised
sloppy hair
black eyes
saggy sweats
shaking hands
running nose
screaming voices
vulnerable

Just waiting for this floor to wrap
his wet skin bone arms around me and
eat me up
I love the floor

Stops

There comes a time in everyones life where
time stops




it just stops.
period.

For me, my time stopped this past weekend
I couldn't have been surrounded by more beauty
then if God himself walked in the fields next to me

The moss covered trees shined green all weekend
and welcomed me into their arms like they were calling
me to their home for dinner.

The waterfalls pounded with such brute force that
black rock walls faded into beautiful carved stone art
sharp as isicles and pretty as fresh flesh

Then you felt the mist and the rain,
the wetness
of being alive and being real,
and singing till your lungs give out
and your stomach aches from that laugh
that makes your teeth shine white.

It just stops.

That was my weekend.

My Opinion

A had an ex that claimed that one of the 

reasons we didn't work out was that I wanted 

to travel and he didn't. 

This past weekend this statement pounded my chest 

like I needed to be cracked in two. 

Here is the story.

I stepped out my door at 6:30 AM 

on Saturday

with a very simple idea. 

To play for the day at a national park, 

to visit somewhere near by 

and bask in the glory that God placed on the earth. 

My day did not go as planned. 

After four hours of driving 

I ended up at a dead end

zero.

nothing. 

but a wasted four hours. 

I think I laughed so hard I even cried

I think I listened to so many beautiful songs 

I cried. 

I think I cried because I could and I was alone

and vulnerable 

After finding an information center 

I asked if there was anything near by 

the sleepy tourist town I had wondered into.

I found the beauty that is Mono Lake.

The Lake...

On my way home 

my mind ran rapid past cliffs 

sliding in and out of turns 

like socks on a wood floor. 

The statement cracked me. 

It's not that I wanted to travel and he didn't

It was the mere fact that I wanted more than simple. 

Simple didn't cut it for me, 

I wanted adventure

a partner to experience it with, 

and the hope that someone would enjoy 

the beauty of the earth, the great outdoors, 

spending eight countless hours in a car with me 

and still need more. 

I need a partner with an outlook on life that 

tops mine

That is grateful for everyday given 

and never wants to stop exploring with me

I need a partner who can spend all Saturday in the sun

get drunk with me, make mad love, 

and still not get enough. 

That's why we didn't work out. 

My opinion 

My story.