Today I laid on top of my moms grave and listened.
The sun shined darkening my pale face
and the cars were distant and faint

The clouds danced and skipped across
the long blue sky
and the autumn leaves cracked
as they bounced across the sidewalk.

All was right with the world today.

Mary Ann's Callus

There are times when I wonder
how my life would be
if I thought of things differently.

If I didn't believe in God
If I thought alcohol was a friend
If I could focus just on me.

Life has so many rotten ups and downs.

It's like the time I saw Mary Ann swinging
from those monkey bars.
She swung so hard
she rocked back and forth and back and forth

Her hands sweat with pain as the green paint
stripped her hands from those cold hearted bars time and time again.
Mary Ann's sweet callus's bled like the juices of a pomegranate
But Mary Ann kept swinging
up and down up and down
till her callus's grew harder than
bones some men mistake as honesty.

She moved up and down and up and down

Because I am a poet and a person
sometimes my views change and sometimes I make mistakes.
Like the time I had zero sympathy for my loved one
when they needed me most and I ran and hid in the shower
before my maker
naked and alone.

But what if I didn't believe in my maker
and I enjoyed life as it is
took each punch from the wind with a whiff of joy
and pounced back with a glass of red wine
on a white simple porch dreaming of my future

Instead of avoiding it. 

The DIfferance

Today there is a differance between being
committed and happy.

Commitment is
 "I have to."
"My duty."
"My fear of the unknown."

Happiness if freedom
self expression
bliss.

Today I can't decide if I am committed or happy

I can't figure out if i'm the most selfish person
on the entire fucking planet
or if i'm just realizing the mistakes that i've made
and almost can't bare to live with them any more

but i'm committed.

Where do you draw the line between
freedom, self expression, and bliss compared
to "I have to"?

It's miserable

What sucks is that the things you used to love no
longer have meaning in your life.
They're not there anymore.

But i'm committed.