The Past

It's funny how we all have pasts. They shape and mold us and make us who we are today. We can always say don't live in the past or forget the past, but it always comes back up again. Tonight I can't sleep because of the past. When I was young I was not the best kid a parent could ask for and tonight this is really bothering me. I guess I feel so bad because I am scared that some of my actions from the past might still be present today. I am a much happier and healthier person then I was growing up, but my past is my past and I hope that it doesn't affect my future to much. I guess the only thing I can do is make the best out of the situations I am handed and give the rest to the Lord.

Real World

I’m at a pivotal point in my life where the decisions I make now will affect my future immensely and I must admit, I’m starting to freak out. I keep thinking of school and financial security and marriage and all the things that life brings and I am wondering how you get from point A to point B? About a week ago I had the opportunity to fly out to New York with some friends. As I was boarding the plane I passed through first class and I couldn’t help but think how they all ended up there. Most of the passengers were business men and were quickly dialing away on their “smart” phones making important calls to their work place. I wondered what they were doing when they were my age. I also couldn’t help but think if this is where they really wanted to end up, or if financial obligations drove them there. I was filled with some many questions as I walked through the seven aisles of comfortable first class seats. Life would be so much easier if we could know where we are going to end up one day, but I guess not knowing is what makes it fun right? I just needed to admit that the real world is starting to freak me out! Help!

Writing

One of the things I have always wanted to be great at is writing. My oldest brother Jerry is great at it and I love being able to read his blog. My senior year of high school writing was one of my favorite things to do. I took an AP English class that worked me harder then any class I have ever taken. We were encouraged to write poetry everyday and we read a lot of interesting literature. My senior year writing was a big part of my life. It became the way that I expressed myself. I even though about changing my major to photo journalism but my style of writing and photography would not be able to mesh well together. I love reading honest and true literature that tells it just as it is, swear words and all. Sometimes there is no other way to describe how you feel then to be totally honest with your words. As mentioned in a previous post, I recently read the book Eat Pray Love. I loved the writing style. Everything was was honest and true. I wish I had the courage and the capability to be able to write some of the things that I have read. I hope one day I am able to be open and honest with everything that I write. It really is one of the best ways to express yourself.

Eat Pray Love

I have just finished the most amazing book and I wanted to share it with everyone. I have been reading Eat Pray Love for months now (since socializing has become a top priority) and I have finally put in the time to finish it. I don’t feel like words can describe literature like this. The way Elizabeth Gilbert speaks is so honest and so true. The book is full of meaningful phrases that make perfect since, but yet nothing at all for example, “Say it like you eat it.”
The book starts off with Gilberts own divorce. As many of you know I just went through my own divorce. Gilberts description of her divorce is the exact same way I felt and the perfect way, I feel to describe to my dear loved ones what happened to me this past year.
The story is one women’s journey through Italy, India, and Indonesia. She spends four months in each place and each place is centered on a topic. Italy is the pursuit of pleasure, India is devotion, and Indonesia focuses on balance. In each location Gilbert meets several new people that change her world upside down and is always honest.
I don’t know what else to say about this book besides wonderful. It is full of quirky conversation, personal insight, and a new way to look at life. She gives us the opportunity to go through the good and the bad of her year of traveling. The book is currently being made into a movie and Julia Roberts is Elizabeth Gilbert. I don’t think I can think of a better woman to play this role. I promised I would see it opening day! Anyone want to join me?

Advice

Well, I am seeking advice. Life is good but always challenging. I have realized that I need to make some very important decisions in my life within the next few months. As previously mentioned, I have decided to go to Utah State and I hope to peruse my degree in photography. I was talking to a friend this past week and he mentioned that I was running away. I must admit, this is a little true. Although I have only been in Provo since September, a lot has happened in that time period and I am so scared of running into my past. Provo has a lot to offer me though. I have a job that allows me to pay my bills and that I happen to love. I also have friends and lots of family close by and even though I have decided that BYU is not the place for me I could always attend UVU. As far as Utah State is concerned, I know nothing about it. I have heard nothing but wonderful things about Logan and Utah State, but I am scared out of my mind to go somewhere where I know no one. Not to mention that the closest family will be two hours away. I know a fresh start is always rewarding, but I have a past and eventually people will find out. Right now I am trying to pray and figure it out but I am hoping that some words of advice might be able to give me some comfort as well. I have a few other big personal decisions to make in the near future and I am scared the pressure is getting to me. Please pray I will make the right decision. Thanks for listening.

Catch Up

Well, let’s catch up! Not a ton has happened, but life has been great lately for the most part and that is always important. I went to California for a few days last week and had a blast. My Dad came down with his lady friend and we had a great time hanging out, shopping, eating yummy food, and catching up. It was a much needed trip and I already miss my family like crazy. Hopefully I can see them again sometime soon.

Late Night Thoughts

Well conveniently I can’t sleep. Thankfully this provides plenty of time to blog which is something I have not been very good at ever. Let’s just say that life has been interesting lately but I must say I am doing ok. As most of you know there have been a lot of difficult changes in my life lately but I feel like things are finally turning towards the good.

First off, I have a plan. I have officially gotten into Utah State in Logan and I am heading there in the fall. I couldn’t be more excited for a fresh start but I am so sad that I will have to leave all the people that I love in Provo. Provo has had its ups and downs but it really has a special place in my heart. I wish I could stay here but under the current circumstances I feel like I need to get out for my sanity in the future.

Secondly, I have never realized how much I love my family until now. Like all families we are dysfunctional, but I love it. I feel like I have so much support from my loved ones and I have never felt a stronger bond with them. I don’t think I have talked to my Dad this much or this often ever and I love that. My older sister Felisa is a huge rock star and wants me to come visit her every other weekend. I must say that having a family that I trust and that I can turn to has made a huge difference in my life.

Thirdly, I am reading a great book! I only read a few pages a night because I have a bad habit of staying up way to late and then being to tired to read but I must say it has made a difference. Having an uplifting book to read at the end of the night gets me completely ready for bed. I look forward to it every night even if I only get two pages in. I used to read when I was a kid late at night so that I could stay up later then my bedtime and I need to thank my Dad for that. Reading really is a great productive way to spend your time and I am grateful I have that tool in my life.

Finally, (I think) I have regained my testimony of the church. Like everyone I go through up and down stages. I took a much needed trip to temple square with my friend Chelsea and we ran into our friend who is serving a mission at temple square. It was such a blessing to see her and it totally reaffirmed my testimony of the church. I don’t think I have been as happy as I was this weekend in a long time. Christ really is the way to true happiness. The fact that you can cry just by talking or thinking about Christ alone proves that the gospel is without a doubt Christ’s church here on the earth. I can’t imagine not having my love for the Savior in my life. I am so grateful for my Dad who listened to the missionaries and stayed strong so that he could raise us in the church. I am so grateful for the temple and for the opportunities I have to go there and serve and I am grateful for eternal families. I can’t wait to be with my family forever because they really are amazing.

I am sorry for such a long post but I felt like I needed to write and express myself about the past few months. Life has had so many ups and downs the past twenty years but we got to keep going. The reason we go down is so we can go up again. I know that there are going to be better days ahead and I can’t wait. If I keep my focus on the Savior I don’t see any reason why I can’t be completely happy.