Recent Events

Due to recent events
I plan to write on this blog
as LITTLE as POSSIBLE

For now at least

Enjoy the last 6 years of my life

The Longterm Thing

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to backpack Europe
Well, I spent 5.5 wonderful weeks abroad and couldn't
have had a more flawless trip.

Now it's back to the real world and I feel even more lost
then when I left.
I feel like I really know where I am when I'm discovering.
The rest is just motions on motions.

Now I'm thinking about how to go back to that place
of wanderlust and discovery

What really scares me though is that you don't
ever spend substantial time with anyone.
You play for a few days and leave.
Find a new fuck buddy,
find new drinking buddies,
and 9 new roommates.
How do you ever maintain a longterm relationship with that?

Good thing I'm scared as fuck of
all of that.
Sorry folks.

Lonely Sad You

Before there was ever a me
or an us,
there was a you.

A sweet sad you.
A lonely you.

And now I want to talk to you more then ever,
make sure you are okay,
rub your head and
just hug you with the purest of intentions.

But there is just a you,
and a me
separate from so many other things

I wanted to cry today for you
but I couldn't.

Remember that time we danced under the stars,
the wind swept my bangs across my
pale cold face and you kissed me
through my hair anyways?

We both had hair stuck to our lips and
we laughed.
We laughed so damn hard we cried.
Then our abs began to shriek and holler
because of overuse

and laughing was overwhelming
and breathing took concentration
to make sure we stayed stable
and didn't drink too much,
or kiss too much,
or just down right play to much.

We sure did love to play
like kids hearing reese's bells and
grasping those fifteen minutes of
immense freedom and joy

gaining calluses on our hands from monkey bars
and running to flip off of tree stumps
and kicking the soccer ball for the final goal before
the bell.

Remember those times
when it was us
and not lonely sad you
and lonely sad me?

Good times.
I think I'll pray for you tonight.

Confronted

I  have just finished a conversation
where I have purposefully left feeling
unworthy, not enough, and powerless
because my machinery is saying that is who I am

Yet, I know this to be anything but the truth.

But, I'm sitting in Starbucks (typical)
doing nothing about it but running
racket
after
racket
on everyone.

I'm not ready to own up and make it stop
My always listening is winning
and now i'm angry.
period.

Eraser Goodbye

I can't seem to write a paragraph about this

But it's been a year since Ollie and I
packed bags separately,
hugged awkwardly,
and said goodbye

He loaded up the moving truck
goodbye furniture
goodbye sam

I packed my car
hello brother
hello futon

So much has changed since then
and I can say this;
I have never been happier
and I hope the same for him too

I hope he finds the world in a girl
who loves every quirk and crevice of him

Just like I wish to find a man one day
who adores and cherishes me.

We both deserve that,
we just couldn't be it for each other

Good luck Ollie.
It's time to erase you.

On This Blog

Lately I have felt a little grown out of this blog. I mean blogs aren't really a thing anymore. When I log onto my Blogspot home page i'm following at least 50 blogs, and the only one that is actually updated on a regular basis is Hey Natalie Jean. Let's be honest though, no one actually really reads my posts anymore, and i'm no longer writing to inform all my Facebook friends about the fabulous life i'm living. I'll continue to write for at least a little while longer, but there will probably be some small changes put in place.  Have fun searching for them.

The Many Places I've Called Home

The following is a list of positive memories I have gathered from each place I have lived in the past eight years. Some very personal, some not so much. Enjoy some of my favorites 

Apartment 2B Home (Rexburg, ID)

- Writing everything we loved about each other on the milk gallon that was purchased weekly 

- Studying in the quite section of the library next to my boyfriend 

- Playing on a coed futsol league

- Nightly walks to the park so I could make out with my boyfriend even though we were surrounded by every other Mormon couple plastered to the grass for their individual make out sessions. 

The Basement Home (Rexburg, ID)

- Sharing one shower with five girls that was made for a midget. I almost had to kneel to have water pour over my head

- Planning my wedding to Pablo

- Having a landline that actually rang on occasion

- Sharing a room with two girls instead of one

$325 Rent Home (Rexburg, ID)

- Waking up each morning to make Pablo lunch for the day 

- Running from the frozen outside to my bed on chilly Sunday afternoons for naps after church 

- Spending Christmas with Pablo in an empty Rexburg and five feet of fresh white snow to play in

- Making the 30 minute drive to Idaho Falls just to go to Starbucks and sip a warm chai 

The Elk Grove Pool Party Home (Elk Grove, CA) 

- Having my nieces over weekly to swim at my complex with me

- Going to the temple with Cameron and Stephanie on an early Saturday morning

- Purchasing my long haired chihuahua Podi.

The Mountain Home (Provo, UT)

- Staring down at all of Utah County from a lush green field while Podi played

- Walking up steep snowy roads in the winter that my car couldn't climb so I could get home

The Branbury (Provo, UT)

- Sneaking in and out of Pablo's room using his patio so his roommates wouldn't catch me spending the night

- Catching my roommate Hillary borrowing my clothes daily 

- Long conversations with my very European roommate Jelka

- Longboarding down Provo Canyon at any hour of the day 

- Walking to Alex's apartment on Saturday mornings just to sit in bed and talk 

The Audrey Home (Logan, UT) 

- Placing every stupid thing we said on a postcard and taping it to our living room wall 

- Enjoying homemade dinner by Audrey every Wednesday while we watched Modern Family on the big screen on campus

- Walking the dreaded steps up Old Main hill to get to class while others turned it into their personal mountain 

- Taking that last minute trip to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving and walking the strip from start to finish

Tere's Home (Tehuacan, Mexico)  

- Taking Sunday walks around the city with Gina while we photographed the world around us 

- Playing soccer with the locals every Tuesday evening

- Walking to my favorite taco stand every night.

- Long talks around the long wooden table in Tere's kitchen

- Skype dates with Tennessee 

- Walking home in the flooded streets of Tehuacan 

The Boat House (Logan, UT)

- Moving a living room wall just to get to my hidden bedroom 

- Sneaking up the creaky staircase to Brandon's room just to snuggle at night

- Listening to the Sound Of Music coming from Cia's room at all hours of the day 

- Meeting Gibbs for burritos at Beto's on Sunday's at midnight

The Yellow Home (Piura, Peru) 

- Taking showers in the middle of the day for hope of a drop of warm water

- Doing laundry by hand with 311 blazing in my ears 

- Making the biweekly trip to downtown Piura to Skype with Oliver

- Befriending a stray dog and watching her raise her pups in a cardboard box 

- Riding in the back of a truck to the beach 

- Walking to Starbucks in the hot sun for free wifi 

- Manchu Picchu 

The Forget Me Not Home (Logan, UT)

- Coming home to find my roommate and her friends playing live folk music in the living room 

- Going through the endless boxes of stuff left from previous tenets 

Ollie and I's First Home (Logan, UT)

- Skateboarding to the grocery store just to buy candy bars

- Walking around the Mormon Tabernacle on warm summer nights 

- Constantly refilling our ridiculous water fan that never cooled anything or anyone 

The 2 Month Home (Orem, UT)

- Painting at Color Me Mine with Oliver and Mehul 

- Leaving suddenly and screwing our landlord over

The Final Home (Murray, UT) 

- Purchasing Sam from the Humane Society one Saturday morning 

- Spending Friday evenings after work at Gracie's 

Nate's Home (Salt Lake City, UT) 

- Waking up to fresh pancakes and Luke pounding on my bedroom door for breakfast every Sunday Morning

- Dinner at the Copper Onion with anyone 

- Watching Survivor with Nate 

- Weekend sibling dates with my brothers 

- My beautiful commute up to Park City 

- Sunday Brunch with Michael 

Current Home (Galt, CA)

- Evening chats over a glass of wine or bottle of cider

- Saturday morning coffee in the backyard oasis 

- Dinner on the patio with friends and family 

I still think the best is yet to come.