Today I laid on top of my moms grave and listened.
The sun shined darkening my pale face
and the cars were distant and faint

The clouds danced and skipped across
the long blue sky
and the autumn leaves cracked
as they bounced across the sidewalk.

All was right with the world today.

Mary Ann's Callus

There are times when I wonder
how my life would be
if I thought of things differently.

If I didn't believe in God
If I thought alcohol was a friend
If I could focus just on me.

Life has so many rotten ups and downs.

It's like the time I saw Mary Ann swinging
from those monkey bars.
She swung so hard
she rocked back and forth and back and forth

Her hands sweat with pain as the green paint
stripped her hands from those cold hearted bars time and time again.
Mary Ann's sweet callus's bled like the juices of a pomegranate
But Mary Ann kept swinging
up and down up and down
till her callus's grew harder than
bones some men mistake as honesty.

She moved up and down and up and down

Because I am a poet and a person
sometimes my views change and sometimes I make mistakes.
Like the time I had zero sympathy for my loved one
when they needed me most and I ran and hid in the shower
before my maker
naked and alone.

But what if I didn't believe in my maker
and I enjoyed life as it is
took each punch from the wind with a whiff of joy
and pounced back with a glass of red wine
on a white simple porch dreaming of my future

Instead of avoiding it. 

The DIfferance

Today there is a differance between being
committed and happy.

Commitment is
 "I have to."
"My duty."
"My fear of the unknown."

Happiness if freedom
self expression
bliss.

Today I can't decide if I am committed or happy

I can't figure out if i'm the most selfish person
on the entire fucking planet
or if i'm just realizing the mistakes that i've made
and almost can't bare to live with them any more

but i'm committed.

Where do you draw the line between
freedom, self expression, and bliss compared
to "I have to"?

It's miserable

What sucks is that the things you used to love no
longer have meaning in your life.
They're not there anymore.

But i'm committed.

October 4, 2013

October 4th passed rather quickly this year. Usually I spend the day in doors and crying, thinking about what could have been, and trying to remember. This year I had interviews, errands, a ginormous load of laundry, and a night well spent with my husband.

October 4th is my mom's birthday. This year she would have been 56 years young. This year I didn't cry. With everything that had been going on in my life lately, my mom's death of almost 20 years ago sadly fell on my back burner. My sweet and precious aunt Leanne called me on the 4th and pronounced that my brothers and I should send balloons up to my mom with special messages on them the following day.

On the 5th, my brothers and their families, Leanne and her husband Jeff, and Ollie and I met up at the Redwood cemetery. The children ran in continuous circles and devoured my M&M cookies. The rest of us joked hugged, remembered, and shared our smiles with the camera. It was a beautiful day to remember mom's legacy. Although far away, I know that she is saying "Hi." to Kelly, and taking care of Peter.
 
Although loosing my mother was by far one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. I know that without a doubt there is a purpose to all things that happen on this earth.

 

I remember when the things I say I love actually brought me passion
Now I can't seem to open the boxes and boxes of books the line the walls
of my guest bedroom.
All I can feel are the pages screaming "CHEATER!"
"You cheated on us with things that teach you nothing!"

Now I don' t feel any passion.
Hardly anything makes me feel it.
I feel like I hardly feel anything.

Brother

All of my siblings are special to me in different ways. Throughout my life we have all grown together and become very close friends. I cherish their friendships dearly, and look forward to continuing to share my life with them. 

Today though, I must say that one of my very best friends in the whole wide world is my older brother Nate. The love I have for Nate has grown so much over the last few years, and continues to grow daily. Nate is the brother that calls up on me to check on me, and invites me over to spend the night. Nate is the brother that wants to go on sibling dates with me, and eat junk food and watch movies. And Nate is the brother that wraps his arms around me like he means it, and laughs at my stupid jokes. I can honestly say that I don't know what I would do without him. Words can't express how wonderful he is, and how grateful I am for his friendship.

 

Winter

I wish more than anything in this world,
that it was winter.
Although cold and dreary in this little town,
winter for me is warm and inviting.

Winter means snuggling with four blankets
and no clothes so that our body heat can
make us sweaty and sticky and desirable.

Winter means mother's scarf, husband's hats, and long socks,
and less revealing, more comfortable body images.

Winter means beverages so hot
that your tongue regrets sipping them for weeks

Winter means sledding, and holding hands
in the snow, and pushing each other into the snow.
Kinda like that time Oliver shoved me and I flew
like Tarzan from a tree searching for the strongest vine
the jungle had to offer.
I landed with anything but grace,
gave Oliver the "I can't believe you just did that!" look,
and then we snuggled under four blankets.......
for body heat.....

Winter for me means that writing becomes easier,
that movie nights become more intimate,
that tea becomes more satisfying,
that books become cozier,
that school is in session, and I have purpose,
that music becomes more inspiring,
and that I feel more human and beautiful.

What I wouldn't give for the finger painted window
outside of Starbucks
to be filled with snowflakes and fresh snowfall footprints,
instead of gleaming cars that melt your chapstick
and legs for days girls bearing their bronze shoulders.

What I wouldn't give.