Yo Soy Un Bebe

Okay, I must apologize for my previous post.
I am just in a ruff spot.
I thought it was getting better,
but when it comes down to it
I still feel as lonely as I did last week
and keep fighting back the tears to keep
me looking professional
and from making my make up look zombiefied.

I have this small aching hole in my heart that is starting to expand
to my lungs so I can't breathe right
and is spreading to my eyes
so I can't see right
and is spreading down to my large legs
so I can't walk right

My whole body is in so much despair that waking up
seems like the worst thing my body
could ever imagine to do,
but somehow I always get up because waking up,
is not nearly as bad as going to bed,
because going to bed means that I
am going to be alone
and have no defense against the dark shadows
that hide in my closet and under my bed

When I go to bed,
I lay there and lay there
and think about
what the hell I am going to do after I graduate,
how I can keep myself fully occupied the next day,
what I can do to stay happy and not feel so damn lonely

I know I am being a big baby,
but babies are loved
and cuddled and have
that wonderfully weird baby smell.

I just want to know that somebody cares
that we are not going to run if things get hard,
and that you will hold me
and be there emotionally for me when I need to be a baby.

I promise I am not a needy person,
in fact, I can't stand needy people,
but right now I need to be,
so I am going to be a baby
and hope I can teach myself to grow and mature
and move on to walking right,
seeing right,
and developing my body and soul.

Hopefully that has happened next time I write,
or who knows what I could turn into next.

Stupid

hmmm... let me see...
What do I write about today?

Let's see...
I'm pissed!

I'm just mad at the world today
It's snowing!
Stupid!
Even though the mountains do look insanely gorgeous,
I can't feel my ears!

Stupid!

Pick Up Trucks

We all have hearts

that wanna be old pick up trucks

permantely parked

in someone’s front yard.

I’m gonna keep fixing mine up

and someday

my love is gonna be sure as the sun

it’s never gonna run.

-Andrea Gibson

Humans Are Not Meant To Be Alone

My dad always tells me that humans are not meant to be alone
This past week I have felt more alone then almost ever before.
My dad has received countless phone calls from me this week
and has been more then willing to comfort my shifted soul

Going home at night is quite possibly one of the worst things in the world
I do fine in the day but nighttime,
the dark
no one to hold you
and nothing but a large cold space
to great you seems all to much to handle right now

I know that in reality we are never alone
we all have our god
and I for sure do not want to take his power for granted anymore

My dad keeps telling me to pray
one of the things I have struggled most with in my life.
When I was young I blew kisses
to my mom, grandpa, and my brother's best friend Luke
in my humble prayers.

Now I laugh at the idea and crawl into bed angry that their gone
rather then get down on my knees and thank my maker

So last night I prayed
I let out a few tears for the 5th day in a row
and then climbed into my abyss

My thin blankets layered softly on one another
held me last night

I still felt unbelievably sick last night
and my heart ached till it beat in the depths of my throat
but, it was okay

Someday I know I will be okay
and the dark, and my bed, and my home
won't seem so scary anymore.

Eventually I won't be alone anymore
and I will have someone
like all humans are supposed to

Humans are not meant to be alone

The Affects of Books, Crying, and Coffee Houses

What do you do when you heart is telling you something
and you know its right but
you just can't seem to follow through
because life is easier without that decision?

What do you do when you don't want to end up with that decision
but executing it would crush your whole world
and cause it to come crumbling down around you
like little pieces of damaged hearts and lungs?

You see, I have been meaning to write for a long time
In fact I have been craving alone time for a few days now,
but I just love being with my loved one

Now, I am actually going to write out how I feel.
which is the best way to tell anyone that I know
what I actually think about something.

This time next year
I could very well be on the other side of the country
or on the other side of the world
Both sound amazing to my eager heart

So what am I going to do?
Who do I choose and what do I do
with the rest of my life?

Yes, I am young and life
can change at any moment
but I have a fairy tale in my head
of a loved one that appreciates the arts like I do
that can read a book by my side,
loves to spend time in coffee shops and listen to people's art

Because sitting in a coffee shop all day
reading books and learning and
breathing and being
doesn't sound so bad to me.

I'm almost as anti social as they get
and although I am not awkward
I enjoy and need my alone time
in ridicoulsly large amounts.

Maybe I will move to New Zealand
and open a coffee shop
Serve over priced drinks to travalers and locals
and allow a giant room full of fall smells,
an ambiance of peace and serenity, and a
little Jose Gonzalez to their day
and allow them to read my books
and steal them and be okay with it
because I gave my book to someone who
was so in touch with the semantic symphony inside
that they stole it from me.

And before that, maybe I will travel the world
and sleep on benches
and feel unbearingly lonely
and cry
just because I can and because no one has to feel bad for me
and because I got to cry and be a peace with one
in India, or the Alps, or Kenya.

Maybe I will cry when I find a beautiful book
and buy it
and cherish it
and then cry again
when it's not on my coffee house book shelf.

Yes, maybe I will do that.