Today there is a differance between being
committed and happy.
Commitment is
"I have to."
"My duty."
"My fear of the unknown."
Happiness if freedom
self expression
bliss.
Today I can't decide if I am committed or happy
I can't figure out if i'm the most selfish person
on the entire fucking planet
or if i'm just realizing the mistakes that i've made
and almost can't bare to live with them any more
but i'm committed.
Where do you draw the line between
freedom, self expression, and bliss compared
to "I have to"?
It's miserable
What sucks is that the things you used to love no
longer have meaning in your life.
They're not there anymore.
But i'm committed.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Sunday, October 6, 2013
October 4, 2013
October 4th passed rather quickly this year. Usually I spend the day in doors and crying, thinking about what could have been, and trying to remember. This year I had interviews, errands, a ginormous load of laundry, and a night well spent with my husband.
October 4th is my mom's birthday. This year she would have been 56 years young. This year I didn't cry. With everything that had been going on in my life lately, my mom's death of almost 20 years ago sadly fell on my back burner. My sweet and precious aunt Leanne called me on the 4th and pronounced that my brothers and I should send balloons up to my mom with special messages on them the following day.
On the 5th, my brothers and their families, Leanne and her husband Jeff, and Ollie and I met up at the Redwood cemetery. The children ran in continuous circles and devoured my M&M cookies. The rest of us joked hugged, remembered, and shared our smiles with the camera. It was a beautiful day to remember mom's legacy. Although far away, I know that she is saying "Hi." to Kelly, and taking care of Peter.
Although loosing my mother was by far one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. I know that without a doubt there is a purpose to all things that happen on this earth.
October 4th is my mom's birthday. This year she would have been 56 years young. This year I didn't cry. With everything that had been going on in my life lately, my mom's death of almost 20 years ago sadly fell on my back burner. My sweet and precious aunt Leanne called me on the 4th and pronounced that my brothers and I should send balloons up to my mom with special messages on them the following day.
On the 5th, my brothers and their families, Leanne and her husband Jeff, and Ollie and I met up at the Redwood cemetery. The children ran in continuous circles and devoured my M&M cookies. The rest of us joked hugged, remembered, and shared our smiles with the camera. It was a beautiful day to remember mom's legacy. Although far away, I know that she is saying "Hi." to Kelly, and taking care of Peter.
Although loosing my mother was by far one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. I know that without a doubt there is a purpose to all things that happen on this earth.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
I remember when the things I say I love actually brought me passion
Now I can't seem to open the boxes and boxes of books the line the walls
of my guest bedroom.
All I can feel are the pages screaming "CHEATER!"
"You cheated on us with things that teach you nothing!"
Now I don' t feel any passion.
Hardly anything makes me feel it.
I feel like I hardly feel anything.
Now I can't seem to open the boxes and boxes of books the line the walls
of my guest bedroom.
All I can feel are the pages screaming "CHEATER!"
"You cheated on us with things that teach you nothing!"
Now I don' t feel any passion.
Hardly anything makes me feel it.
I feel like I hardly feel anything.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Brother
All of my siblings are special to me in different ways. Throughout my life we have all grown together and become very close friends. I cherish their friendships dearly, and look forward to continuing to share my life with them.
Today though, I must say that one of my very best friends in the whole wide world is my older brother Nate. The love I have for Nate has grown so much over the last few years, and continues to grow daily. Nate is the brother that calls up on me to check on me, and invites me over to spend the night. Nate is the brother that wants to go on sibling dates with me, and eat junk food and watch movies. And Nate is the brother that wraps his arms around me like he means it, and laughs at my stupid jokes. I can honestly say that I don't know what I would do without him. Words can't express how wonderful he is, and how grateful I am for his friendship.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Winter
I wish more than anything in this world,
that it was winter.
Although cold and dreary in this little town,
winter for me is warm and inviting.
Winter means snuggling with four blankets
and no clothes so that our body heat can
make us sweaty and sticky and desirable.
Winter means mother's scarf, husband's hats, and long socks,
and less revealing, more comfortable body images.
Winter means beverages so hot
that your tongue regrets sipping them for weeks
Winter means sledding, and holding hands
in the snow, and pushing each other into the snow.
Kinda like that time Oliver shoved me and I flew
like Tarzan from a tree searching for the strongest vine
the jungle had to offer.
I landed with anything but grace,
gave Oliver the "I can't believe you just did that!" look,
and then we snuggled under four blankets.......
for body heat.....
Winter for me means that writing becomes easier,
that movie nights become more intimate,
that tea becomes more satisfying,
that books become cozier,
that school is in session, and I have purpose,
that music becomes more inspiring,
and that I feel more human and beautiful.
What I wouldn't give for the finger painted window
outside of Starbucks
to be filled with snowflakes and fresh snowfall footprints,
instead of gleaming cars that melt your chapstick
and legs for days girls bearing their bronze shoulders.
What I wouldn't give.
that it was winter.
Although cold and dreary in this little town,
winter for me is warm and inviting.
Winter means snuggling with four blankets
and no clothes so that our body heat can
make us sweaty and sticky and desirable.
Winter means mother's scarf, husband's hats, and long socks,
and less revealing, more comfortable body images.
Winter means beverages so hot
that your tongue regrets sipping them for weeks
Winter means sledding, and holding hands
in the snow, and pushing each other into the snow.
Kinda like that time Oliver shoved me and I flew
like Tarzan from a tree searching for the strongest vine
the jungle had to offer.
I landed with anything but grace,
gave Oliver the "I can't believe you just did that!" look,
and then we snuggled under four blankets.......
for body heat.....
Winter for me means that writing becomes easier,
that movie nights become more intimate,
that tea becomes more satisfying,
that books become cozier,
that school is in session, and I have purpose,
that music becomes more inspiring,
and that I feel more human and beautiful.
What I wouldn't give for the finger painted window
outside of Starbucks
to be filled with snowflakes and fresh snowfall footprints,
instead of gleaming cars that melt your chapstick
and legs for days girls bearing their bronze shoulders.
What I wouldn't give.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Same Love
Up until high school I never thought of same sex relationships. It wasn't something that I was exposed to. Once high school hit it came close to home as my older sister started to date her first real girlfriend. For me, I was disgusted and appalled at the behavior that the two girls exuded. Today I think a little differently. Though my sister and that girl have had several challenges, break ups, and make ups, Today they are some of the happiest people I know. My sister's girlfriend has not only become a sister and a role model to me, but has become a genuine part of our family. My family wouldn't be the same without my two favorite lesbians.
Today at the gym I heard Same Love for the very first time. I was blown away by the power the song placed on me. I had to share it.
I can't wait to be apart of this lovely couples life together, and watch them walk down the aisle toward one another. I am so happy to be apart of the family and life that they have created together, and am eternally grateful that they love each other and me too.
Today at the gym I heard Same Love for the very first time. I was blown away by the power the song placed on me. I had to share it.
I can't wait to be apart of this lovely couples life together, and watch them walk down the aisle toward one another. I am so happy to be apart of the family and life that they have created together, and am eternally grateful that they love each other and me too.
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