Sunday, March 8, 2015

Somewhere Permanent

The following post has several grammatical errors, just like the rest of my blogs. Enjoy them!

I grew up in the pacific northwest. I loved it there. The green lush trees 365 days a year gave me an endless forest playground. The never ending rain taught me the importance of layers and to never care about my hair on a day full of the beautiful drizzle. When I moved to California as a teenager I remember always wanting to move back to the northwest one day, and  for some odd reason Oregon was always my state of choice. It wasn't my hometown of heartache, but it was literally the same thing. I remember watching this TV show that came out as a teenager that took place in Portland. I could totally live there I thought. Ever since I left, my desire to go back as been oozing inside of me.

Recently I took the plunge and moved from Salt Lake City back to Sacramento. Sacramento was never supposed to be a long term idea for me. My intention to move to Sacramento was to get a fresh start but to still have some sort of support system surrounding me. Or as some of my family members put it, I didn't have the balls to actually move to Los Angeles. Yes, that is very true. With LA being my initial intention when I was looking to move I ended up chickening out after my trip to the small town and decided on Sac. Sacramento has been so good to me. I have a great job, have great roommates, my fabulous sister and sister-in-law down the street, and a few random friends spread out in the local area.

With my terrible moving history the past eight years I am feeling ready to settle somewhere. Yet, once again I find myself in a temporary living situation. I haven't lived in a single apartment for longer then ten months the past eight years and i'm sick of it. With my recent life purge I can literally fit my entire life in my car now.  Okay, so I am looking to settle down, but Sacramento doesn't feel like that place, It feels so temporary. Part of me can't figure out if it is temporary or if my machinery just makes everything temporary and keeps me in constant motion because consistency is scary and I am really good at change.

So lately my obsession with Oregon has come back for multiple reasons. My best gal pal and I threw up the idea that we should go play in Portland one weekend and I bought a ticket the next day. With everything not panning out for my dear friend, I ended up with a trip to Portland by myself. I couldn't be more excited about it. This will be my very first trip all alone. I'm not visiting anyone and no one is going with me. I am couch surfing for the first time with a gentleman that was gracious enough to actually accept my request. I got a list of things that I want to see, want to experience, and zero agenda besides that.

But, I always do this, I go somewhere and check it out first to see if I could end up there. Mehul pointed this out to me. She said that is exactly why you came to visit me in December, and that is why you wanted to go to Portland. Mehul is already begging me not to move to Portland because she knows me way too freaking well. She keeps sending me pictures of gorgeous two bedroom condos off of Manhattan Beach in Los Angeles and talking about how we can finally work on Sumatrii, and live the best fucking life ever. Although this does sound amazing, something about Portland seems permanent to me. I want to live somewhere and actually feel like okay, I got a job that I can work at for the next few years and not look for pay raises doing the exact same job over and over again. I actually feel at home with the trees, and the rain. I actually live in an apartment where I can commit to being here long term because there would be no possible reason for me to leave.

 Now if you are reading this, which I doubt anyone really is, don't think I am throwing the idea around for anyone. If I told my family about what I was actually thinking my dad would probably just tell me to come home to Seattle, my brothers would shake their heads and hug me and say come back to SLC. We can be silly and eat treats together and go to PG-13 movies together. I can see it now. Then my sister would probably say are you sure you are not looking into Portland for anyone?  But let's be totally honest, no I'm not. This has always been something in the back of my head, and something that I have explored the idea with on several occasions. Now I could very well get to Portland and literally hate it. Say that it is way to hippie for me and screw keeping Portland weird, let's fuck it! Who knows? All I know is that I know me, and I know what I do to myself and I know that I am leaning a certain way. I guess we will see what happens.

How about I just say I am keeping my options open.

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