October 4, 2013

October 4th passed rather quickly this year. Usually I spend the day in doors and crying, thinking about what could have been, and trying to remember. This year I had interviews, errands, a ginormous load of laundry, and a night well spent with my husband.

October 4th is my mom's birthday. This year she would have been 56 years young. This year I didn't cry. With everything that had been going on in my life lately, my mom's death of almost 20 years ago sadly fell on my back burner. My sweet and precious aunt Leanne called me on the 4th and pronounced that my brothers and I should send balloons up to my mom with special messages on them the following day.

On the 5th, my brothers and their families, Leanne and her husband Jeff, and Ollie and I met up at the Redwood cemetery. The children ran in continuous circles and devoured my M&M cookies. The rest of us joked hugged, remembered, and shared our smiles with the camera. It was a beautiful day to remember mom's legacy. Although far away, I know that she is saying "Hi." to Kelly, and taking care of Peter.
 
Although loosing my mother was by far one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. I know that without a doubt there is a purpose to all things that happen on this earth.

 

I remember when the things I say I love actually brought me passion
Now I can't seem to open the boxes and boxes of books the line the walls
of my guest bedroom.
All I can feel are the pages screaming "CHEATER!"
"You cheated on us with things that teach you nothing!"

Now I don' t feel any passion.
Hardly anything makes me feel it.
I feel like I hardly feel anything.

Brother

All of my siblings are special to me in different ways. Throughout my life we have all grown together and become very close friends. I cherish their friendships dearly, and look forward to continuing to share my life with them. 

Today though, I must say that one of my very best friends in the whole wide world is my older brother Nate. The love I have for Nate has grown so much over the last few years, and continues to grow daily. Nate is the brother that calls up on me to check on me, and invites me over to spend the night. Nate is the brother that wants to go on sibling dates with me, and eat junk food and watch movies. And Nate is the brother that wraps his arms around me like he means it, and laughs at my stupid jokes. I can honestly say that I don't know what I would do without him. Words can't express how wonderful he is, and how grateful I am for his friendship.

 

Winter

I wish more than anything in this world,
that it was winter.
Although cold and dreary in this little town,
winter for me is warm and inviting.

Winter means snuggling with four blankets
and no clothes so that our body heat can
make us sweaty and sticky and desirable.

Winter means mother's scarf, husband's hats, and long socks,
and less revealing, more comfortable body images.

Winter means beverages so hot
that your tongue regrets sipping them for weeks

Winter means sledding, and holding hands
in the snow, and pushing each other into the snow.
Kinda like that time Oliver shoved me and I flew
like Tarzan from a tree searching for the strongest vine
the jungle had to offer.
I landed with anything but grace,
gave Oliver the "I can't believe you just did that!" look,
and then we snuggled under four blankets.......
for body heat.....

Winter for me means that writing becomes easier,
that movie nights become more intimate,
that tea becomes more satisfying,
that books become cozier,
that school is in session, and I have purpose,
that music becomes more inspiring,
and that I feel more human and beautiful.

What I wouldn't give for the finger painted window
outside of Starbucks
to be filled with snowflakes and fresh snowfall footprints,
instead of gleaming cars that melt your chapstick
and legs for days girls bearing their bronze shoulders.

What I wouldn't give.

POETS

Someday we will dare
to write the poems
that will make the world question
whether or not
we are good people.
Someday we will dare
to trade good for true.

-Andrea Gibson 

Same Love

Up until high school I never thought of same sex relationships. It wasn't something that I was exposed to. Once high school hit it came close to home as my older sister started to date her first real girlfriend. For me, I was disgusted and appalled at the behavior that the two girls exuded. Today I think a little differently. Though my sister and that girl have had several challenges, break ups, and make ups, Today they are some of the happiest people I know. My sister's girlfriend has not only become a sister and a role model to me, but has become a genuine part of our family. My family wouldn't be the same without my two favorite lesbians.

Today at the gym I heard Same Love for the very first time. I was blown away by the power the song placed on me. I had to share it.

 I can't wait to be apart of this lovely couples life together, and watch them walk down the aisle toward one another. I am so happy to be apart of the family and life that they have created together, and am eternally grateful that they love each other and me too.

Words

When I write,
poetry is the only thing
that makes sense anymore

I don't do sentences or grammar
or all the junkie rules
I spell shit wrong and make
up my own language like it's
plastered to my face to make me look
pretty, and desirable and sexy.

My language is my skanky dress
my full mouthed thoughts
and thunderous laugh

My words are not special
and really are only there for me
They are not for you, or for the healthy,
grateful, loving people that surround me

They are selfishly for my and my
energy lacking day
My tea days
and my coffee smelling days

Coffee is disgusting. Period.
(Sentence)

Man periods are terrible,
they make me hurt
like sticks and stones
breaking your bones

But words will never hurt you,
so please don't be offended
by my thoughts
by my words that leap from pages
full of enthusiasm but lacking grace

Please remember that I am human,
and that I think
like the world is ending,
and that I am lacking.

Mango City

It's hard to believe that two years ago I was in Mexico basking in the fresh sun and learning how to love children. One of the things I remember most about Mexico are the markets. Down the street from my humble abode was one of the best markets I have ever been to in Latin America. It wasn't to big, it wasn't to small, and the large pieces of meet hanging from giant silver hooks didn't overpower my wanting to be there.

Trips to the market for fruit was a biweekly event for my friends and I in Mexico. One of our favorite things to buy at the market was mangos. The mangos in Mexico were TO DIE FOR!! Every morning after our early morning zumba class we would all make our way to the long wooden kitchen table that stretched across the middle of Miss. Teres kitchen. I would cut my mango in half a third of the way in, down the middle and out again. After I tore out the seed I would then cut three horizontal lines and three vertical lines spread evenly throughout the mango. My skinny fingers would then arch the mango up and create a city of square mangos to pop to life. My teeth would graze over each square eagerly until they hit skin. I repeated this daily for four months.

Last week I bought a mango that looked like the delicious mangos in Mexico. It was not the same, but close.

Vermont Skating

This made me happy.

Religion

I won't deny that God is real, and I won't deny that it is taking everything inside me to say that. I grew up in an extremely religious family so church was never a question growing up. We attended church every Sunday and participated in several church related activities outside of our 3 hour service each week. The past few years I have structured my life differently. During my first marriage I really started to question what I truly believed and how I felt. Now three years later, I have a hard time saying that I am apart of a specific religion. When I am questioning my childhood and living differently then how I was raised, I don't feel like I have the right to claim the title of a religious group that is so strong in their beliefs. So for now, I am with out church.

enemy

Lately I have felt a little lost and a little hopeless. There are so many important decisions coming up, and so many things going on that I can never seem to keep my head above water for very long. I´m at a loss of words and can´t even find comfort in writing. All my body ever wants to do is sleep. I am officially brain dead and it does not suit me well. I´m finished  Right now, "Time is my enemy."

Stress

Lately I've been missing things.

I've been missing free time,
opportunities to be creative,
and life simplicity's.

Oliver and I have been so stressed out
that we hardly even have time for each other.
We always jump at each others throats
because life is so busy that we can't seem to enjoy it!

Now, I promise we are beyond happy,
but I am dreaming of times
when school is gone,
work is under control
and the idea of a vacation doesn't feel
like a far far away dream

I'm tired, stressed
and overworked

Will it ever end?

Book Sale!

I absolutely cannot control my excitement. I just bought eight books for a mere two dollars! 

The plus side too is that this book sale is going on for another three days, 

and the cashiers said that they have tons of books not even put out on the shelves yet! 

Guys, do you know what this means? 

Welcome to my book collection!

Dream a Little Dream of Me

I am feeling terribly sick today, so I 

thought I would share this song because 

it  always amazes me how beautiful it is.

Enjoy the happiness.

Consumed

I must apologize for my lack of blogs recently.
You see, my time has been utterly consumed by
school, work, husband.
Husband. Love him.


My life has been so beyond busy,
that I am completely overwhelmed and
totally encompassed and consumed by
my few obligations right now.
Sometimes I feel like I can´t even stop,
take a sweet breath of air, and
envy the sky for it´s rich blue beauty.

This week I have 40 hours of work,
3 tests, and 1 huge project due.
My husband has been sick for almost a week,
and my motivation is sinking

So last night after I returned home from school
I bought take out for my love and I
snuggled him on our bed,
watched some ¨How I Met Your Mother,¨
and joyed being with my love

Today I am behind on school work,
but, it´s okay because I am writing insignificant brilliant words,
I slept in till 7AM,
and I spent valuable time with my love last night.

Life is sweet.
Now, if only I took more photographs.

We Got Married

         So I know that the announcement that I was suddenly married was shocking to a few people. Honestly, it's shocking to me too. Oliver and I are saying that we eloped even though it's not 100% true. For a few months now, Oliver and I have been talking about getting married in December or January. When December passed and January begun, ideas and dates were being tossed around continuously. One day we decided YES, let's do it. We gave ourselves and our immediate families just over two weeks to prepare. The whole thing was low key, simple, and easy. Oliver didn't even propose till two days before the wedding. We were married at an older gentleman's house on Friday the 18th. We were solely joined by our immediate family. He wore a shirt and tie, and I wore a beaded ivory dress from Macy's that my dad found on sale. After the beautiful ceremony, our families escorted us to dinner at The Beehive Grill here in Logan. It couldn't have been a better night.
          Ollie and I are now so incredibly happy, and unbelievably overwhelmed with the love and support that we have gotten from so many friends and family. We felt bad that not everyone could be apart of our special day, so we will be planning an open house to take place next month at his parents house in Brigham City. A date is yet to be set, but we will make sure that we send out invitations to all. Thank you again for all of the love and support that we have received  This is such a blessed and happy time in our life. We couldn't be more excited that we get to be here together.

 

Books

During the past two summers I have had the opportunity to live abroad. One of the highlights of these summers was my spare time that I had to read. Although I enjoyed traveling and experiencing new things, my desire and love for reading has reached some of it's peaks while abroad. This Christmas break I made the goal to read two books. Well, school starts again on Monday and I have probably read no more than seventy pages all together. Sadly, I have been distracted by my black box that turns my eyes glossy.  Today as I was packing up my books I noticed how many books I actually have, and how many of them I haven't read. You see, I have a bad addiction to books. I buy them whenever I can find them cheap. I can't seem to leave DI without at least five, and I love going to books sales and picking up interesting looking books, or old books, and smelling the pages and wondering what the magical cream colored pages could be filled with.
Today made me terribly sad that I had wasted so much time in front of the TV this vacation instead of reading. My mind could have been filled in so many interesting ways, and instead it was filled with goop.
Here is to my one and only new year resolution. Spend more time reading. Fill my mind with creative ideas and unique possibilities, write about it, read more, write about that, write about writing, and then read what I wrote. Done.